Delivering Feedback with Kindness
The act of giving feedback can often be uncomfortable and daunting. It is especially difficult when it needs to be given to a senior or long-standing colleague. However, feedback delivered with kindness and respect can help to create an environment of mutual understanding between both parties.
Last week I coached a new CEO in the art of delivering feedback with kindness for maximum impact. The CEO had been in post for 6 months. Reporting to them was a very experienced Director who had been in the organisation 20 years. They had successfully climbed the ladder and had been left to lead their function as they pleased. Their approach was based on the "old ways" which were conflicting with the transformation that the CEO was trying to inspire and embed. The new way was bringing new technologies, new ways of working, and empowering others through the change. Those who had raised concerns believed that the Director was the problem and needed fixing. That is never a good bit of feedback to give.
The logical mind of the CEO knew that the feedback was necessary, all 17 points of it. The human, heart mind, was in turmoil, filled with fear and apprehension. She had experienced a number of brilliant interactions with this Director, but also some really bad ones, with aggression, withholding, and refusal to cooperate in the forefront of her mind.
High stakes conversations are never easy or comfortable, yet they are necessary.
To begin the coaching session, I reminded her of her values. She was a brave, dynamic, and practical leader, who also valued kindness, respect, and support. She needed to hold true to who she was so she could take that part of herself to the meeting.
And so we coached around what delivering feedback with kindness, courage, and respect would look like. I shared
Kindness is when someone tells you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it.
That landed. She realised that not telling someone the truth because of her own uncomfortableness, even if not telling the truth was harming the other person, the team, and the organisation, was being unkind.
The Problem:
We often don't give real feedback because we fear the response. We fear that conflict will arise. We fear that emotions will be heightened. We fear that relationships will be broken. So, we allow our boundaries and expectations to be trampled on, and accept things which we don't like, all because of fear.
The Solution:
Giving direct feedback with respect, kindness and integrity has a lasting impact. Instead of seeing the other person as the problem, you shift your attention to the other person having a problem that you can support them with. You shift from thinking about the person being an issue, to respecting the person who might be having an issue. It opens up curiosity and understanding.
Be curious
When feedback needs to be given, it is important to approach the conversation with respect and curiosity. You might know what you have seen or heard, but you might not know the reasons, intentions, or rationale for it. Respectful feedback is based on kindness and understanding of the other person’s situation and feelings. When you share the feedback based on fact, and then ask for their perspective on the situation, you lead with respect. This helps to create a safe environment in which both parties are comfortable expressing their thoughts and opinions without fear of judgement or criticism. It also helps to build trust between both parties, which ultimately will lead to stronger relationships.
With curiosity, feedback becomes a conversation rather than a one-sided criticism.
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care
Navigating difficult conversations with care is an essential part of feedback. Respectful feedback allows for a calmer, more thoughtful conversation in which both parties can express their views without fear or criticism. It also helps to ensure that neither party becomes defensive or resentful, as the feedback dialogue remains focused on understanding and respect. Kindness and curiosity are key to navigating feedback conversations with care and creating a positive outcome.
Try opening with "Hi, thank you for coming. I have some feedback that I want to share with you. I feel uncomfortable sharing it with you, but I want you to know that it is being given with good intentions, and I want to hear your thoughts and perspectives as we go through the key elements of the feedback. Is there anything that you need from me before we start?"
You are setting boundaries, creating a safe space for both of you, and taking the lead. You must be kind to yourself in equal measures.
3 take away points:
1. Approach feedback with kindness, respect and understanding to create an environment of mutual understanding between both parties.
2. Curiosity helps to facilitate constructive feedback and encourages a meaningful exchange of ideas and perspectives.
3. Navigate feedback conversations with care by avoiding judgement or criticism to ensure that neither party becomes defensive or resentful.
For more information on how to effectively give feedback with kindness and understanding, please click the link below for our online feedback course. We offer team or individual coaching sessions on Feedback skills and culture to help you too. Click here now to get started!