The values that sit within feedback

Company values became all the rage in the 1990s and office walls became peppered with great values statements, that eventually became wallpaper. It's no surprise that people still roll their eyes "values" is mentioned. Yet, personal values work is some of the most fulfilling and liberating work you can do. 

In fact, it's a basic requirement of the MySelf step in the 5 MYs methodology. How can you authentically lead when you don't know what is driving you? - your moral and ethical compass. How can you make decisions when you don't understand your inner drivers? If you haven't done the values work, go and do it before you give the next bit of feedback. 

In stressful situations, it's easy to forget why you are doing what you're doing. It's easy to listen to the saboteur who is trying to keep you safe and get out of the danger zone as quickly as possible with minimal scars. Where you might normally be rational, kind and empathetic, you become a terrorist, unleashing feedback like a missile. Where being direct and taking accountability might be your guiding values, in the danger zone you begin molly coddling people to minimise pain - only to cause more harm than good in the long run.

Your values need to be even more present in the most challenging situations. They are a reminder of who you are, what you're doing and how you do it. The most courageous leaders always take their values into the difficult, tough and really hard situations. If you go in without them, you can't connect, inspire and be genuine. Instead the mask goes on, the shields go up and the business like persona shows up on that call - thus making a difficult situation even more scary. And what's more, after you go your separate ways, it's not only them that feels lousy - you will too. Every time you dishonour your values, you get a sense of dis-ease within, like you have betrayed yourself. You know you have acted in a way that doesn't reflect who you really are. You feel fake, frustrated, disappointed or even guilty. I hold that feeling, first in my stomach, then it travels to my shoulders and the ache sets in. It really is like carrying the wright of the world on my shoulders. I hate it. Now I understand it. It tells me I am off course and betraying myself.

So get to know your values and bring them into the feedback conversation. It will change everything.

Leading with values isn't easy. In fact it's really hard. Your inclination in feedback moments might be to show up, give the feedback and leave. It's easier to remain detached and emotionless. That's the shield protecting you from the inevitable discomfort. It's far harder to show up and be completely present and human, but I can't tell you how great the pay off is.  You have to take a leap of faith and experience it to truly find the value.

Here is a little story I like to share about the most profound feedback sessions I ever delivered - and received in return. It was early in my career, before I had learned to use the shield to protect myself. Julia was, like me, in her early twenties and loved to party. We had so much in common and would chat freely. Every Monday she showed up tired, hungover and grouchy. I made some comment about her "partying hard" again and she became really angry - not at me directly, but in every interaction. She would roll her eyes every time I spoke, block me, slag me off to team members. After a few weeks we were both miserable. I was really beginning to dislike her and my tolerance was wearing thin. I wanted to issue her a warning and get her out of the organisation as quickly as possible. I felt betrayed and I was hurting. On a bad day, I'd imagine sacking her, giving her her marching orders and waving goodbye. I could have done quite easily, but I knew that was the hurt leading my thoughts.

Values driven me knew I would regret this course of action. I dug deep and honoured my values. I called a meeting and with honesty, I shared my truth. With humility, I explained how awful I was feeling and how her behaviour had caused me to be frustrated and annoyed with her. With equality, I asked her to share her experience. I simply listened. I heard her story from her perspective. I empathised. I learned. I took accountability for the impact I had had, and in turn, because she felt acknowledged, she took her responsibility. In that one, really difficult conversation, we built trust, understanding and both grew as a result.  By honouring my values, no matter how hard it was, I led the way for a long term, highly connected working relationship. It was one of the most fulfilling working relationships of my life.