There is a reason why the title of this course has fear in it. Feedback is full of fear, until trust is built.
Nobody really likes feedback. Humans like praise. We all like to know we are doing a good job. We like to please. So, getting the positive feedback feels great as serotonin and dopamine rushes through our bodies. Negative or constructive feedback can have the opposite impact on us. It can evoke fear, stress and we feel judged, criticised or even blame and shame. That is if it’s handled badly. If handled well, it can in fact be incredibly motivating and give direction.
It doesn’t matter whether you are in your first job or executive level, in unsafe environments, few people actively seek constructive feedback. Often it is because they have had a negative experience of feedback in the past. We often anticipate the worst: heated arguments, impossible demands, or threats or punishment. Many leaders and managers fear giving feedback in case it breaks the relationship or demotivates. So rather than giving or seeking feedback, people avoid the truth and sweep issues under the carpet.
Over time those small molehills turn into mountains until something gives. The small conversation then becomes the painful big conversation that we had been trying to avoid.
I see a few common behaviours show up by givers who are driven by fear.
The bowl of spaghetti. You start the conversation well, but then it gets awkward, so you deviate. You then end up talking about something else, derailed and get yourself all muddled.
The message fails to land.
The bomb. Rather than ease into the conversation and building trust and safety, you just want to get it over and done with. So you chuck it right in there as soon as possible and leave.
Leaving destruction behind.
The care giver. To avoid any kind of ill or hurt feelings, you are gentle, almost playing down the issue. When emotion is shown, you try and make it all feel better and smooth it over. The receiver doesn't get the message
The Layers. This can go one of two ways. Either sticking to the surface level issue and avoiding the root cause or adding so many levels of feedback the receiver becomes overwhelmed and feels demotivated and lack of confidence.
The key to giving successful feedback is to remove the fear, starting with you, the giver.
Understanding that you are experiencing fear is critical. This requires self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Before you enter the feedback setting, pause and ask, "How am I feeling?"
Notice if you are anxious and ask yourself, "What is causing the fear or anxiety?" What can you do to reduce that fear?
- Talk it through with someone.
- Take deep breaths
- Review the evidence
- Prepare your language
- Notice and adapt your body language.
- Be empathetic. Turn your focus onto the other person.
- Calm your mind.
The truth is, you can't possibly know how the other person will react or respond. What you can do is go into the feedback session knowing that the other person will experience emotion and prepare yourself to meet them where they are and guide them through it, person to person - human to human. Create safety and be kind. As Brene Brown says:
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind
Reflection
Think of the last feedback session you gave.
How did you feel going into it?
How did you show up?
How did your thoughts, words, body language and tone steer the outcome of the conversation?
What could you have done differently?
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