Step 2

No-one likes to disappoint or not reach expectations. As the boss, your people want to please you and when they don't meet your expectations, most people feel disappointed. And as the boss, you don't really want anybody to feel bad. In fact, deep down you want them to like you. Most people are empathetic and the fear of rejection is real. It taps into our mammal brains and our need to survive.

Knowing that you are entering the fear zone means that you have the responsibility to create a safe, trusted and empathetic space so you can talk with the human brain and not the monkey brain. To put it simply, receiving feedback hijacks our amygdala part of the brain. The amygdala is design to keep us safe when we feel under threat. It sends neurotransmissions to our bodies to release cortisol and we might feel our heart race, we might break out into a little sweat and our human (executive function) brain shuts down so we can prepare to fight, flee or freeze.

You know how it is yourself. When you are in conflict, or having an argument over who's turn it is to put the bins out or empty the dishwasher, before you know it you are arguing about something totally different and the conversation goes off track. Later, ones you've calmed down and the cortisol levels have reduced, you think of a killer answer or know exactly how you should have responded. The monkey brain had taken over and a nice calm evening was ruined.

When giving feedback, you want to ensure that you are communicating from your executive brain to another. This is the part of the brain that builds trust, has empathy and can be logical, rational, strategic and creative. 

Your relationship with feedback

We all have a different approach to giving feedback. Some people are naturally blunt and just say it as it is, no holding back. Others prefer to keep harmony, so much so that they end up talking all around the topic and never really getting to the point. This results in confusion and the issue never really being resolved. Others like to be the hero and fix people or tell people what they need to do to be better at their job. Some avoid it at all costs, staking it up until the annual appraisal, which is clearly too late.

What is your relationship with feedback?

How do you tend to give it?

How effective are your techniques?

What mistakes are you making?

How can you improve?

Your mindset before you enter the room is essential. If you are fearful then you are more likely to react negatively. You need to clear your mind, compose yourself and be calm.

Fight, flight or freeze?

Understanding the 3 core responses to fear will help you to spot when your colleague is going into stress mode.

Fight. You might think this is all about aggression, but most people can manage this in the workplace. Of course you may see people stand up, shout, overpower or even slam their fist on the desk or point, but generally fight shows up in other ways. They may try to dominate the conversation, interrupting you, redirecting or deflecting. They may argue with your example or any evidence you have provided or may even blame you or others for the mistake. They may simply deny it. 

In these situations, remain calm and in control. You may want to regain control, but you can easily be drawn in to arguing or defending. Never use "you" statements such as "you are getting aggressive", "you are not answering the question."  Instead use "I" statements, such as "I feel it would be useful to stick to the facts", "I hear what you are saying and I understand", "I hear you and want to steer the conversation back to...". 

I remember one manager I worked with had given up trying to manage an individuals bad time keeping because he couldn't "Win" the argument. He explained that when he spoke to the member of staff, they deflected by saying that other people were late and why wasn't the manager talking to them as well. Classic deflection. The appropriate response might sound like, "I hear what you are saying, but I don't want to talk about how I am managing the other members of the team right now. What I want to focus on is you and your timekeeping so I can understand what might be causing your timekeeping issues". This response is calm, regains control and points the conversation back to the individual.

Flight.  This might look like someone fidgeting, looking at their phone, changing the subject or avoiding eye contact. Again, you must remain calm and in control. Ask them open questions to help them come back to the conversation. If they go off track, calmly bring them back to the topic at hand. Show empathy and understanding but stay on course. Help them to find solutions and be patient.

Freeze. Some people do literally shut down before you. This is incredibly difficult and it is easy to step into parent/child mode. This is not helpful to anyone as you need the member of staff to be involved and engaged. They may just agree with you and appease you, or say nothing at all. Be kind, but assertive. Acknowledge that they are being silent and express how you want to hear their thoughts. If they can not open up, you can always give them time to process the information and schedule another meeting later that day or the following day to help them move forward and find solutions.