Giving means receiving

Just a short lesson here. A reminder really.

If you are going to give great feedback, you will need to get used to receiving it in equal measure. If you are going to ask people to take responsibility and ownership, you are going to have to role model it too.

This is a golden rule, which many leaders fail to hear or practice and that's where it all goes wrong.

Remember my Julia feedback story. In her story I heard her say how my comment has betrayed her trust. She had told me about her wild weekends as a way of confiding and bonding with me. She was hurt when I made a public dig at her. I had betrayed her trust in my frustration. Although she was responsible for turning up at work hungover and tired and unproductive, I was responsible for shaming her. My shaming her led to the passive aggressive behaviour that then followed. I had played my part in the relationship. 

I could have shut her down. I could have told her that this isn't about me and that she has no right to pass the blame onto me. I could have, but do you think that would have improved the relationship or even change the behaviour? I believe it would have made the situation so much worse. 

If I wanted to create a feedback culture where there was no fear or shields, or even swords being swung, I needed to really hear her. I needed to accept my part in the problem.

The circle of influence

In most feedback situations, there is usually a number of causes, triggers or misunderstandings. The role of feedback is to establish what is in the recipients circle of influence and what is in their circle of control. (The 7 habits of highly effective people, Stephen Covey). The circle of influence is everything they have influence (or ownership) over. This might be their behaviours, attitudes, thoughts and feelings, output, time or choices. The circle of concern are the external things that impact them, but are not in control of. You might be one of them. This then becomes your circle of influence.

• Did you communicate your expectations?
• Were you clear about timeframes or quality measures?
• Have you allowed poor performance or behaviours to slide before?
• Have you offered adequate training, support or resources?
• Did you lead effectively?

It is because of the dynamics at play between influence and outcomes that I prefer to call feedback a conversation, albeit a difficult one.