Conflict Behaviours and How to Spot Them

Arguing

Arguing is what we normally think of in conflict. It shows up when it's a win/lose situation and neither party is interested in listening to the other person anymore. Cooperation has gone and it now becomes about power, ego and protecting ones position. It may escalate into aggressive behaviours or one person withdrawing or caving in, but the pursuit of finding the best possible outcome has been lost in the attack.   

When in argument, ask yourself what is the real motivation behind the conflict? Are you behaving in a way that is really serving the business, team or even yourself? How much of this is about winning or pride? Take time out, reset and ask, "What are we really trying to achieve?", "What is really going on here?"

In this situation, ask yourself – What emotions are causing this conflict right now? Am I motivated by winning for myself or helping my team?

Belittling/Demeaning

If you see someone making someone else seem small, or their idea seem insignificant, you are witnessing a conflict behaviour at play. Examples "Oh this is obviously too complex for you to understand", "This isn't in your pay grade to worry about", "Well that's the kind of solution I’d expect from the xxx department". Its job is to put the other person in a lower opinion or status and therefore have power.      

Usually a power play is an attempt to  make the other person seem small. Teams work best when their is equity and mutual respect. Name it for what it is. Say, "that sounds condescending, what are your really try to say?". You are signalling that this behaviour is not OK and finding the truth.

In this situation, ask yourself – Why am I belittling this person? For what reason do I see this person as ‘lesser’ than myself?

Blame

It’s not my fault – it’s theirs. I didn't do my job because they didn't do their job. It’s a form of defence and shows that there is low trust. We are diverting the attention away from our own weaknesses and purposely damaging someone else’s reputation. To make someone else the cause of the problem.

If you allow blame to take place, everyone will feel insecure. Ask yourself why people feel the need to blame - is it cultural or a personal issue. Say, “OK, I hear you, but I want to hear what your part/contribution/lesson was in the situation”. Don’t allow blame behaviours become part of your culture.

In this situation, ask yourself – Why do I want to make someone else feel awful for something I have done? What are the different types of issue I have shifted the blame for? Why did I do that?

Defend/Deflect

In low trust environments, when conflict arises, we feel we must defend and protect ourselves. It is grounded in insecurity and fear. We don’t want to appear vulnerable, weak, a failure or admit a mistake. It might look like excuses, justification or even deflecting onto a different topic or person. 

When someone behaves like this they are in fear. You need to make them feel safe by showing open body language, being calm, slowing your tone and pace and simply ask questions. Say, “I feel this conversation is what I had planned. Let’s start over so I can understand. Tell me about xxx”

In this situation, ask yourself – What am I really afraid of? How can I overcome my fears? Why am I letting my fears hold me back?

Dismissive

Have you ever heard someone comment and others roll their eyes, scoff, or cut people off by saying “Let’s move on”? That’s dismissive behaviour in action. It’s a flight mechanism when someone is scared of the thoughts or views being expressed. They feel insecure so try to override or disarm the other person.

No matter how uncomfortable it is to hear what the other person has to say, you must give them space to express themselves, listen to understand and respond accordingly. Dismissive behaviour is a power play to close another person down.

In this situation, ask yourself – Why do I feel like I need to protect my ego? What are the reasons for me blocking out other people’s thoughts and opinions?

Drama/Exaggeration/Catastrophe

Some people learn to create drama to get what they want. When they feel powerless, they create drama or exaggerate to make their point or feeling feel more important and equal. It is a way to attract attention or add weight to their argument, usually grounded in unfair or unjust treatment.

Don’t match the energy level so it doesn't escalate the other person. Lower your pace and tone. Empathise, acknowledge the behaviour and ask them to explain the real issue. Say, “I notice you are upset by this; can you tell me what more about this?”

In this situation, ask yourself – What is a more productive way I could handle this? Why do I feel so helpless and negative in this conflict?

Exclusion/Cliques

No one wants to hang out with people they are in conflict with, but rejection really hurts. By excluding others from meetings, conversations or even lunch trips you are sending a message to the group that your enemy doesn’t fit in, thus increasing your social standing.

Sounds a bit like the school yard doesn’t it? It’s low level bullying and toxic to any team. If you see this happening question it. Purposefully include and hold the excluder to account for their behaviour.

In this situation, ask yourself – Why am I excluding this person? Is there another way I could handle this? 

Gossip

Gossip can feel good, a way of processing your feelings and venting to someone we trust. It helps get people on our side and validate our feelings. The conflict isn’t resolved as the other person is not aware that there is still an issue.

If someone tries to gossip to you, listen, don’t join in and inflame the situation, and then say, “I think you should talk to xxx about this so you can resolve it and move forward. What do you think?” Pass the responsibility back to the gossiper.

In this situation, ask yourself – Am I doing this to keep people on my side? Am I insecure in the workplace? If I am gossiping, what could I do to stop that?

Overpowering/Aggressive

When someone wants to win, they will make themselves powerful by talking over, making themselves bigger, louder, more dominant. They might use social or hierarchal power to shut you down or their own physical presence.

You can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back, or intimidate someone who isn’t intimidated, so be still, calm and open. Show that you are not a threat and look them in the eye and nod, smile, until they run out of steam. You hold the power over yourself.

In this situation, ask yourself – Why do I feel the need to overpower this person? What would happen if I just discussed the conflict with the other person?

Passive-Aggressive

You might want to express anger at someone but fear conflict, so instead you subtly punish them, enough to notice, but not enough that they can call you out on it. Ignoring, nit-picking, blocking or eye rolling are common.

Once again, name it. Say, “I noticed you roll your eyes, can you tell me what you are thinking?”, “You haven’t responded to my request, can we discuss it now?” Passive-aggressive wins if it hides in the shadows, and harms performance and the team.

In this situation, ask yourself – What does passive-aggressiveness achieve? How can I vent my anger without causing upset or disruption within the team?

Revenge

After conflict, if the "loser" feels an injustice they may want to even the score by taking revenge or sabotaging a project. It looks like copying the world into a point scoring email, exposing someone’s weakness or mistake or making them look like a fool.

You can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back, or intimidate someone who isn’t intimidated, so be still, calm and open. Show that you are not a threat and look them in the eye and nod, smile, until they run out of steam. You hold the power over yourself.

In this situation, ask yourself – Is there a less petty way to handle my negative feelings?

Withdraw/Backing Down

When we are presented with conflict, sometimes we resort to withdrawing because the emotions are too strong and can make us feel uncomfortable. This is the ‘flight’ element of fight or flight and means conflict won’t be addressed.

Always make them feel safe by asking them for their opinion and calmly listen. Call people out if they are overpowering or butting in and create the space for others to speak up and express themselves safely. In some cases, follow up privately to check in on them.

 In this situation, ask yourself – Why do I not want to address this? What is making me withdraw from this conflict?