Every person has a learned and in built response to conflict. Conflict ignites the amygdala part of our brain, and our survival mechanism kicks in. We go into automatic fight, flight, freeze or appease mode and respond automatically. We have an automatic thought and feeling and act accordingly.
Emotionally intelligent people are able to notice how they are feeling in the moment, self regulate and choose an appropriate response.
Automatic thoughts
In any conflict situation your brain will try to make sense of what is happening, what you have seen, heard or experienced. These automatic thoughts can be helpful, or harmful.
Examples:
"I need to exaggerate to make my point heard"
"I must dismiss this pie-in-the-sky ideas"
"I will back down as I don't want to deal with this"
"I don't want change so must dominate the conversation"
"She is the boss, so I need to support her to keep her onside"
"They are trying to make me look bad, I can't have that"
Start listening to your inner dialogue. Notice what thoughts you are having in any given situation. It is a skill that can be developed.
You see, once you understand your thoughts, you can reframe the situation and act accordingly.
Reflection
- Is this thought true or valid?
- Am I overreacting or exaggerating, or even catastrophizing the situation?
- Is there another way I can view this?
Activity
Think of a recent conflict situation and reflect on the following questions.
What were you automatic thoughts during the conflict?
How did you respond as a result?
How could you have reframed your thoughts of adjust your thinking?
If you had thought this way, how would your behaviours have changed? Would the conflict have gone differently?
Try these techniques and see if it changes the space from unhealthy to healthy conflict... coming up, different types of conflict behaviours and how to manage them
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