Adult to adult, side by side

If you want someone to take full responsibility and ownership of the feedback you are about to give, then you are going to need to treat them as an adult. There is no room for parent/child or boss and subordinate dynamics in this conversation. If you are the "boss", the power play is already in place, with them knowing full well that you have the power to give them a bad assessment, withhold rewards or even end their contract. 

When you take the role of the parent, the power role, you force the other person to fall into child like behaviours. They will act out in the way they learned to behave as a child. For example, a person who receives a negative feedback my respond by sulking, becoming argumentative or even looking at the floor and crying. It plays out the same if they get good feedback. They might smile, say thank you or even become quite animated. 

You might invoke a parent child relationship by being dominant, aggressive, telling off, patronising or threatening consequences. This will never create the kind of open, adult to adult conversation you desire during a feedback session. You need to remove those hierarchal barriers and meet the other person where they are.

In the virtual environment, this is slightly easier. The recipient is in their own home or in an office or location away from you. You are meeting face to face and see the same screen image bouncing back to you.  But there are other ways to remove the barriers further.

1. Arrange a call or video call explaining what the topic is. Make it informal and set the intention of how you want it to be. "Hi Jon, I want to have a chat about that piece of work you submitted. I have some feedback that I want to share, but I also want to hear your thoughts on it too. I would like to schedule a call to simply have a conversation. Can you let me know when is a good time for you and I will send you an invite. Ideally I would like it to happen before the end of tomorrow. Have a good day and let me know if you have any questions before hand".
2. When you meet, put the issue in the forefront of both of you. So often the leader will but the problem in front of the recipient. I am asking you to put the problem in front of both of you. All this takes is a shift in language. Rather than saying, "Jon, that report you sent me had errors all over it. Why did you make so many mistakes?" change the language to be less like blame. "Jon, as I was going through the report, I noticed some errors. I am really interested to understand how it happened. Perhaps I wasn't clear or didn't give you enough time. The truth is, I don't know the reason, so I am just looking to understand how it happened, so we can both makes sure we can get it right first time, next time". Immediately you are role modelling ownership and responsibility and setting the intention that the outcome is to learn, understand and move forward. No blame or sanctions involved. You have shifted the focus from "You're wrong, I am right" to "Something went wrong, how can WE make it right".
3. Discover. You know when you are ready to give feedback when you are in a discovery mindset rather than an "I know" mindset. If you enter the conversation with a closed, judgemental mindset that has already made a conclusion, you will create defensiveness or defeat. Instead, get curious, ask lots of questions and really listen. The objective is to discover and then find a way forward together. 
4. Appreciate and acknowledge with humility. A great way to create the adult to adult conversation is to share your own feelings first, then acknowledge them. This isn't permission to give the shit sandwich. This is permission to create an equal and safe environment. Try opening the conversation with "Hi Jon, thanks for joining me. I know it's a little late in the day and it's been pretty full on, so I appreciate you meeting me here."  or "Jon, I appreciate you meeting up with me. I know we thought we had finished the report and I asked you to redo it, but honestly, it was worth the effort. I am pleased we got it right in the end."

In the real world environment, you can go a step further. Rather than calling them into your office, or to sit across for you at your desk, meet in a neutral space, even at their desk. Lead with open body language and take the shield down. If you make it formal, like visiting the headmaster, you will create fear and child like behaviour. Remember, your job is to create a space where the shields come down so you can both talk honestly, frankly and focus on creating change.

Remove the barriers. Be human. Converse with respect.