Why do we avoid them?

So now you understand that we avoid certain conversations because there is a risk, a lack of control or concerns around how the conversation will play out. It is all fear;

• Fear of the unknown.
• Fear of the unpredictable nature of the conversation.
• Fear of emotional outbursts.
• Fear of a fight.

Fear is the biggest barrier to having difficult conversations. When you feel unsafe or vulnerable, your survival brain goes into overdrive. You go into self-preservation mode and either attack, avoid, do nothing or go along with the situation to make it end. All of those have fears will have a negative impact on you, the team or the individual.

You become the victim or victor, the aggressive or passive person, parent or child. In healthy conversations there is no win/lose mindset, only understanding, forward focus and open-mindedness. So if fear creates a need for win/control we need to talk about power and how that creates avoidance in conversations.

As the leader, you hold positional power by default and therefore need to create an environment where the other person feels safe, so they can really hear what you are saying. When we are in fear or feeling weak, we are unable to connect, listen and empathise.

Hierarchy Power

In any organisation, there will be a hierarchy based on structure or position. The more powerful person has the ability to reward or penalize, include or exclude, promote or dismiss others. The others persons working life is directly impacted by the person in power. To overcome the positional power, leaders can enter the conversation, human to human. They can create environments where they ask for feedback on their own performance just as much as they give it. In a coaching and feedback culture, these conversations become the norm and the fear is reduced. When the leader enters the conversation with clarity, openness and humility, they want an outcome, but equally want to understand the other persons perspectives and motivations. They enter the conversation wanting to help the other person to adapt and change. That might also mean changing themselves.

Example.
During one difficult conversation around time keeping, a manager wanted to understand why their team member was frequently late to work. This was a recent change in behaviour and wanted to understand what was happening and also stop it from happening. Through the conversation they learned that their Mother, who normally did the school runs, had suddenly been taken to hospital and the member of staff was not only now juggling the manic school drop offs, but having to check in on her Dad who was also unwell. It was a temporary situation and was causing a great deal of stress. The leader asked, why didn’t you tell me? The response was simple. “I didn’t think you would care”. This was a huge learning for the leader who had created a reputation for being distant and aloof where he had been trying to stop interfering and offer more empowerment.

Power of expertise.

Where one member is seen as the expert or a long standing member of staff, often they can appear beyond reproach. Because they have the knowledge or IQ power, few people challenge them. Because they are rarely challenged or held to account, their ego increases and their behaviours magnify.

Example. 
Simon was the Head of Engineering. He was a micromanager who shared little and ruled by fear. The function was also failing. All of his peers could see what was happening, but were to fearful that if they had the conversation, the situation would get worse. The new CEO couldn’t let this go on any longer. He addressed Simon and shared his observations. Simon was instantly defensive and used his argument that no one knew as much as he did and that is why he had to control everything. Everyone else came up with stupid ideas. If he didn’t fix things, nothing would get done. The CEO helped him, with clear communication and kindness, to see that his was stifling people and they had in fact stopped asking for help because they were scared of him. He was creating his own problems.

Physical power.

Some people don’t have to hold the top jobs to hold power over others. Their psychical attributes do that for them. They might be physically bigger, their voices might be louder, their gestures grander. Humans do react to these kinds of physical attributes in terms of power. We feel it on a very animalistic level, “am I under threat? Am I safe?” Look at the behaviours that you see in your team. Are there any of these dominant physical attributes that are making open, honest, relationships more difficult. Are you holding back because of physical power influences.

Example.
Ian was a big man with a deep, powerful voice. When in meetings he would often dominate the conversation with a force that matched his physique. I watched a situation happen during one session. The Head of Marketing ask him a question about his methods and he banged the table, sat forward and looked directly at her and just said “No. I won’t do that”. His words and body language were bordering on aggressive. The Head of Marketing, looked down, apologized and the conversation moved on. How toxic is this behaviour for a team?

The fear is real and as a leader, you have to step in to courage and address the behaviours and dynamics that are preventing honest conversations within your team.

Bottom line is that we avoid difficult conversations because we fear a loss of power. The irony is that when we speak our truth quite those opposite happens. Our inner power actually grows. Our inner leader develops. We become empowered.