what we can learn from our worst conversations

We can learn so much by reflecting back on past conversations. Especially the ones that didn’t end so well.

What we think, say, and mean, might be completely different to what hear, and feel about our words.

I recall a General Manager called Steven. His interactions were blunt, focused and very much in the “telling” style. He didn’t converse. He was frustrated because he thought his communication was clear, yet people continually seemed to let him down or not do what he had told them to do. After one our meetings I fell into the trap. I delivered what I had heard him ask for. As it turns out, it was not what he thought he had communicated. It created a rich opportunity to learn from each other’s conversational styles.

You know when you have had a good conversation. You feel heard, engaged, listened to. Conversations are the golden threads, even fragile ones, that keep us connected to others. Human beings are hardwired to connect and perform quick analysis of a person or situation based on how connected or disconnected we feel. We instantly know when a conversation is going well, or not, by feeling the flow.

In the flow we make assumptions about what the other person is saying. We interpret their tone, body language and words based on previous experiences. We filter the information through our own filters, which might not necessarily be truthful. Some of the worst conversations happen when others misinterpret what you are saying.

Have you ever jumped to a conclusion mid conversation and derailed the flow? Have you had a moment of inspiration and interrupted the other person mid flow, making it all about you? Has someone used a tone that you interpreted to mean they are displeased, so you change your approach mid-sentence? We all do it. Catching our automatic responses and responding productively is critical.

I have learned to do this by taking a pause. It might be a deep breath or even a request to “hold it there for a second”. I might repeat back what I thought I heard, just to clarify or even ask questions to check we are on the same page. I have even been in meetings that seem to be going nowhere and asked, “Can I just ask, what is the problem we are trying to solve here?” It’s a gamechanger as many time members are talking, but not to each other, but expressing the dialogue they are having in their own heads.