Some conversations are easy. We have them all of the time. From the moment we start talking, we are conversing with others. Yet most conversations stay in the easy and safe zone. More often than not, we are playing in Discourse. The kind of one way conversation that delivers instructions, wants, needs or information. It may move into Diatribe, which is a one way monologue expressing your feelings, or to inspire or persuade others. If others are actively involved, you may get into dialogue or even debate. Dialogue is where each party shares ideas, information and it flows 2 ways, whereas debate is a form of conflict, where one party aims to win over someone else.
Now, even when you are one of the 4 conversation types, the conversation often stays in the safe zone. By that I mean it stays at the superficial. Even if it gets unsafe, heated or uncomfortable, humans have a habit of bringing back to the polite superficial again. To step into courage to have the deeper or more important conversations isn't easy.
So we avoid those difficult conversations until we can't avoid them anymore. By the time you get this that stage, you'll probably be frustrated, resentful, angry, let down, maybe even furious. If you take that energy into the conversation, it isn't going to end well.
A true story
Whilst out with friends, one friend did something that made me feel really uncomfortable. I spoke up at the time, and it all got a bit heated. The next day, I felt really angered and distressed by the situation.
On the one hand, I wanted to continue the "argument" so my opinion would be heard. I wanted to win and feel acknowledged. On the other hand, I felt really guilty about having an argument so publicly. I wanted to pretend it never happened and sweep it under the carpet. Either way, a conversation fuelled by anger or fear was never going to end well.
So I avoided my friend. Not healthy at all.
The situation was really bothering me. So I reached out to others for support. I asked them for advice, listened, and weighed up the options. I was processing everything.
I journaled my words. I wrote letters that I never sent. I played the conversation and all of its alternative scenarios again and again.
I realised that even though I was avoiding the conversation, it was still consuming my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. It was creating a wedge between my friends. What may have been small crack, was becoming a huge canyon.
When I found the courage to have the conversation, it was not as bad as all of the catastrophic versions I had created in my head. Because I had processed my emotions and prepared myself, I took a different energy to the conversation. I led with connection, understanding and relationship rather than win, fight, dominate. I was assertive, yet calm.
I have come to learn that this cycle happens often. We take the Win/Lose or avoidance approach. If you take the win approach, you go in expecting a a fight and usually get one. Your words, actions, body language and tone might create the outcome you really want to avoid. If you take the avoidance approach, in my experience, it errupts somehow, harming the relationship further. And because we have all experienced the downside of difficult conversations, we find them difficult.
But there is another way. There is a way to have the most difficult conversations, early enough, and controlled enough, to bring a positive outcome. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than you think, if you learn the skills and go into the danger zone with the right toolkit.
Courageous conversations are those conversations that need courage.
They are difficult to broach subjects that mean you feel vulnerable and uneasy. There is usually something at risk, or a feeling of danger. If they were easy, you would already be having them. They are the sort of conversations that can evoke emotional responses in you and the other person, or take you into unchartered territory, going deeper than the superficial. Since there is risk involved, you’ll need to lead the conversation with compassion, carefully and with skill. Since many of us have never been taught how to have these conversations, we avoid them - until they can't be avoided anymore.
How it Works
When you are clear about your intentions, desired outcomes and why this conversation matters, your brain shifts from fear or anger to strategy and curiosity. Your executive brain leads rather than your mammal brain.
Consider your motivations and those of the other people involved, before you have the conversation.
- How are you feeling?
- What may trigger certain reactions?
- What is the outcome you want?
- Why is this important to you?
Unless you understand your own feelings and intentions, you can't have a planned and structured conversations, making you ill prepared for handling the emotional triggers in someone else. But courage is needed because no matter how planned you are, conversations are unpredictable.
Examples of courageous conversations
- Someone has upset you at work and you need to address it.
- A colleague belittled you or failed to support you.
- You witnessed gossiping, bullying or sexism in the workplace and you know this is not OK.
- You might need to ask for a raise, change your hours or hand in your notice.
- You need to challenge an approach or idea but you don't want to upset someone.
- A team member keeps being late and is holding up a project and it's impacting you, the work and your colleagues.
All of these will probably evoke some feelings of fear, vulnerability or risk. You might worry that it will break a relationship, create conflict or just make someone feel bad. You can choose to do nothing, or choose to lead with courage and have the conversation.
Reflection
Reflect on a recent situation where you felt hurt, annoyed or some other negative emotion as a result of someone else's behaviour.
How did you respond?
What would you want to say to them?
What do you believe was the reason for their behaviour?
What would you like to understand or get clarity about?
What would you like them to understand?
Try placing something in the blanks here:
When ____ happened, I felt ____ because _____. In the future I would like ______. What's your perspective?
An example might be :When we were in the meeting last week, you rolled your eyes and scoffed at my idea. I felt really hurt at the time and now I feel angry and disappointed because we are all on the same team, working towards the same goal and I don't feel you supported me. In the future I would like you to either support me or ask questions directly, rather than, what I perceived as passive aggressive gestures. What's your perspective?
Or
When you made that joke about women, I felt angry that you think it is acceptable to make jokes about me and other women. I don't find it respectful. I would like you to stop making those comments and jokes. As a result, I assume that you have an issue with women. Is my assumption correct? I would like to understand you a little more so I might work with your better.
In a Courageous Conversation you have to be prepared to discuss the “undiscussable” – the issues that you don’t want to deal with but you know you need to because it it harming the relationship, team or culture. You don't want to have the conversation, and the other person probably doesn't either, making it all the more difficult. When you lead from a place of values, you will find it easier to assert your values, but that doesn't mean it ever gets comfortable.
I believe that having a coaching culture enables courageous conversations so members go into them with an open mind, open heart and curiosity. When you have developed your coaching skills, you can navigate conversations and become aware of your own feelings, behaviours and impact. Self-awareness and self-regulation are critical to the process.
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