I think it's really important to understand the brain science of conversations. We are all amazing kits of hardware and wiring. Unless you understand your hard wiring, you will find it difficult to understand why you behave the way you do, and why others react in unexpected ways.
At a basic level, you have a reptile brain that keeps you alive at a basic level. It tells you to breathe, to eat, to sleep, to pump blood around your body. You don't need to think about these functions, you brain just does it.
Then you have the mammal brain that evolved. This part of the brain is complex and keeps you alive on a different level. It is there to keep you safe from harms way, it stores your memories and is the emotional part of the brain.
The mammal brain
The mammal brain is a wonderful part of us. The amygdala keeps us safe. It evokes our survival mechanism when we are in danger. Blood drains from our body and floods the arms and legs, ready for fight, flight or freeze. So if you have ever been in a real danger situation, perhaps being chased, nearly knocked down by a car, in a fight or caught in front of a scary dog, you know how it feels. Your body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, you stop thinking and start surviving. You might get a rush in your body, butterflies, feel hot or all of the above. You are in a fear state and quickly compute how best to get out of it.
Difficult conversations bring on the exact same feeling. Your mammal brain feels unsafe and it reacts without you consciously thinking about it. You act emotionally first. You might exclude others or information to make you feel safe. You might judge the other person, making yourself feel "right and justified" to help you feel in control. Perhaps you limit the conversation to end it, with hold your true thoughts and feelings to minimise exposure. You might go into rigid thinking, knowing, I am right, you are wrong speak so you take control. You might power over the other person, giving orders or dictating how things are or will be. You may criticise, blame or deflect. These are all mammal responses to any difficult situation or conflict.
While the behaviours might be useful when your life is in danger, when leading others, you need to stop, notice your feelings and manage your reactions. These behaviours make the other person feel unsafe and trust is broken. Instead, you must use your human, or executive brain.
The executive function.
This is the newest part of our brain in evolutionary terms. It is distinctly human. When we feel safe, we easily access it and make better decisions, become more creative and form better relationships. It's the part of the brain where trust, creativity, vision and strategy exists. It is the part where we can assess the here and now, and imagine a future state, and create a plan to get from here to there.
The prefrontal cortex needs certain conditions to be activated. Trust and safety are the critical ones, which is why we all keep hearing about trust and safety as a leadership quality. Leaders need to create environments where people can do their best work and best thinking, so they can perform at there best. That means creating cultures that multiply human capability - the executive function.
In conversations, leaders who include others in the conversation, share information, ideas and thoughts, appreciate and understand the other person, they are the leaders who build trust. In conversations where we feel a sense of belonging, acknowledgement and recognition, we begin to expand our trust and capability.
In the moment
Leaders who demonstrate high levels of emotional intelligence also demonstrate high conversational intelligence. They are aware of their feelings, whether excited, fearful, stressed or trusting and simply notice. They understand each emotion and how it feels in their body. Most people don't realise what stressed feels like because it is the normal state for them. Their necks are tense, their stomach feels tight or their jaw is clenched. They wake up each morning feeling tired and yet alert.
When emotionally intelligent people notice their feelings, they then understand how it influences their thoughts. They get curious and wonder what is driving their feelings and thoughts. They have trained themselves to be present and alert at all times. Then they can choose which behaviour to bring to the situation and conversation. If the conversation isn't going well, then they stop, pause, notice how they feel, notice the thoughts they are having (mammal or executive function thoughts) and then adapt behaviour, words, tone and body language.
You can learn to do that too.
Before any interaction, I stop for 1 minute. Take deep breathes and ground myself. I notice how I am feeling and imagine how I want the conversation to go. I am clearing the mammal energy and activating the pre-frontal cortex. I am priming myself for the conversation.
Our brains will be playing pinball inside our heads, jumping from one reaction to the next. If you know this, you can become a master of your own mind.
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