The story of the bins

The issue is not the issue.

I tell this story to clients to help them understand how conversations can easily go off track. I use the example of the bins. In your house it might be the dishwasher, the washing or shopping. You can probably think of an example.

Me: Can you put the bins out?

Them: Yes, in a minute.

Me: No, can you do it now so it is done?

Them: Why does it matter? I will do it later.

Me: You NEVER do anything I ask. I always end up doing things myself. All I ask is for you to help me out a little, but you never do.

Them: What? I always help. You are so ungrateful. Give me an example.

Me: Forget it. It's not worth it. I will do it myself. Like I always do.

How many times have you been in conversation and it has exploded and you have no idea why?

In this scenario, the issue wasn't the bins. The issue is really about "Me" feeling under appreciated, tired, over burdened, ignored or my needs not being met. 

Imagine if "Them" had activated their executive function?

Me: Can you put the bins out?

Them: Yes, in a minute.

Me: No, can you do it now so it is done?

Them: Why does it matter? I will do it later.

Me: You NEVER do anything I ask. I always end up doing things myself. All I ask is for you to help me out a little, but you never do.

(Deep breath) Them: Hey, what's going on? Tell me. I hear you are perhaps frustrated. Tell me, what's going on with you? 

Me: Forget it. Sorry, I just want to get the jobs done do I can relax.

Them: Don't apologise. I hadn't noticed how tired you were. I will do the bins now, then you can tell me about your day and what you need to relax tonight.

Me: Thank you.

When you slow your response and focus on the other person, to listen, notice and respond, you can move through a tough situation so smoothly and build relationships at the same time.