The conversations we avoid

Which conversations do you tend to avoid?

When you think about the kind of leaders we all want, you know that we want a leader who helps and supports us to do our best work. You want them to be positive, to give hope, and be your biggest champions, to believe in you a little bit more than you believe in yourself. You want them to be encouraging and to stretch you a little bit, to empower and to have trust in you. You want development conversations where you identify where you are now and where you can be. That sounds amazing doesn’t it?

A great leader also holds a mirror up to you so you see where you are being the block or barrier to your success. If you want the truth, you need your leader to be able to offer the truth about the good stuff, and the not so good stuff, the barriers.

Some conversations are really difficult. Those around the behaviours of an individual are often the trickiest because they feel subjective. Let's say you've got somebody who is the risk assessor in your team. They're the ones who check all the details, make sure that before you go off on to a huge big quest or a voyage, that you have considered the dangers and prepared for them. You need them in certain situations, but other times they can appear to be blockers. When they shut people down before the conversation has got going, saying, “well, that'll never work”, or “you haven’t got enough time to do that”, all those negatives can burst the enthusiasm of the whole team. That is a difficult conversation because sometimes you need their risk assessor, and sometimes you don’t.

Everyone's strength, if overplayed, can become a weakness. It’s all about applying it to the right situation.

You might just have somebody who is disruptive. Perhaps they're always talking, or creating huge drama  and wants to be the centre of attention. You value their passion but not when it derails the team. Entering a courageous conversation with them will likely create a passionate and dramatic response. It might feel easier just to avoid it altogether. Until you realise that no one ever challenges them and their behaviour becomes intolerable.

You might have somebody who's constantly making mistakes, yet, they are super enthusiastic. You don’t want to disengage them, so avoid correcting their mistakes. Or a close ally betrays you and you feel hurt or let down. Having a conversation might, you fear, break the relationship. The people pleaser, who is overburdened by taking on too much actually causes frustration, their ultimate fear, and you have to name it, knowing they will feel pain and discomfort. That is a difficult conversation.

Courageous conversations go into the danger zone because something is at risk. You can’t control the outcomes and that feels scary. If it was a simple conversation, you would be having them already. You have to have them though, because every time you turn a blind eye to poor performance or harmful behaviours, you're basically signalling to them and your wider team, that this is okay around here.

My advice to you is to have them quickly, have them effectively and be clear, so that you can eliminate the issues early on. If you put them off, there's a couple of things that might happen.

• Small problems tend to become big problems if not addressed.
• The individual may not realise that they are harming the team or performance. So they keep doing it. When you finally tell them, they think, “Why didn't you tell me? I could have done something about this”. It breaks the trust.

The people within your organization are looking for you to take the lead. When they see you having these courageous conversations. It actually gives them courage to do the same.