Fear of conflict getting personal

One of the biggest fears around conflict is it getting personal and damaging the relationship. We are so concerned with the feelings of others, that we allow unproductive behaviours to continue, slip-shot methods, or mediocre decisions to continue, all for the fear of it getting personal.

In my experience, in the workplace, conflict rarely gets personal. That is not to say that it can feel personal if someone gives feedback on your work, idea or decisions, but it is not. You have to hold others accountable and responsible for their own feelings. Be kind, always, but holding back and not speaking up is not kind, it is self-preservation. 

Think back in your career. How many times have you actually experienced personal attacks, name calling or put downs in a debate or discussion at work? It really is rare. However our fear makes us believe that it is a real threat because most of our conflict experience within our families or at school were personal. The workplace isn't the school playground and most people are able to conduct a level of self-management. The risk is very small.

However, because our fear is real, what is more common is artificial harmony. Team members act like everyone is in agreement, but in reality they are not. In fact, all you have to do is observe a meeting in progress to see if there is a dysfunction around conflict.

Most teams never get anywhere close to healthy conflict. 

Artificial harmony looks like everyone in agreement. Perhaps someone asks a clarifying question, but no-one challenges the "subject matter expert". Then after the meeting members have water cooler conversations about what a dumb idea it is, or gloat that it'll never work. They carry on with their day, not progressing the actions as an act of defiance or a passive aggressive protest. This is what normally happens and it is so dysfunctional.

In between artificial harmony and personal attacks is the sweet spot of healthy conflict. It is passionate, robust, challenging, respectful and truth seeking. You might overstep the mark, acknowledge it and apologise, before moving towards the best outcome for the team.