The brain focuses on efficiency. We understand this best by thinking about habits. It is traditionally understood that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. You are rewiring your brain to act and think in a different way and the habit forming behaviours create new pathways in your brain. Eventually you don't have to think about your behaviour, you automatically act, think or behave in a certain way. The habit is formed.
The same goes for conversational "habits".
Think about it. If you are the controller/victor type, your automatic response might be to take control of the conversation, steer it in the direction you want it to go in and get things your own way. This may have worked for you in some situations, hence why it became a habit. It worked, you kept doing it, and now it is your automatic response. As you step into leadership, these responses won't always serve you well. Instead, you must develop new habits around listening, questioning, pausing, slowing down, including and getting curious.
Understanding your automatic responses is vital in developing conversational intelligence.
Types of responses (Positive intelligence by Shirzad Chamine)
The Judge
We all have an inner judge. It finds faults with the self, others and circumstances. It shows up as saying "you're stupid", "I am right, you are wrong", "this situation is bad". It focuses on what is wrong rather than appreciating the good in self, others, or situations. You respond with feelings and thoughts around superiority and inferiority. It is often then accompanied by another response.
Avoidance
The flight response that wants to avoid conversations, conflict or bad situations. You might find yourself agreeing with others just to end the uncomfortable feelings. It shows up as passive-aggressive resistance, eye rolling, saying one thing and doing another. It tries to minimise situations, brushing them off or hoping they will just go away. It tells you that no good comes out of conflict. Someone needs to be the peacemaker.
Control
When in discomfort - take control. Results in high anxiety and impatience when that is not possible and others feel the discomfort. Controllers try to remain strong, emotionless and focused on winning. They appear confrontational, blunt and even aggressive. But when one person wins, another loses, thus relationships are broken and trust is gone.
Over Achiever
This response keeps pushing. When things go wrong, they drive forward so they don't fail. They are highly focused on external success, leading to unsustainable workaholic tendencies and loss of touch with deeper emotional and relationship needs. They appear unempathetic to others and relentless in their pursuit for results and achievement.
Vigilance
This response is on high alert and looks for all of the problems rather than solutions. They pick fault in others and appear pessimistic and nay-sayers. They create nervousness in others, constant anxiety which can lead to loss of credibility. Their intensity drains others.
Over Rational
This response removes all emotional responses and focuses on facts, logic and processes. They make others feel like the human doesn't matter and relationships feel superficial. They can dismiss other feelings and just focus on facts. They can use belittling, sarcasm or nit picking as a way to "win".
Pleaser
This response to conflict looks like people pleasing. They will say yes to everyone just to maintain the peace and maintain a good opinion. They are flatterers and charming and tell you what you want to hear just to avoid conflict or discomfort.
Restless
This response looks like chaos. They deflect, change subject, over dramatise or even jump ship to avoid uncomfortable feelings. They are great at blue sky thinking, but avoid being pinned down. They just want an easy life.
Knowing your own responses can enable you to spot them as they creep in and then change your response. You will also be aware of responses in others. When you spot the behaviours in others, you can focus on creating the space where they feel safe, so you can both move into understanding, curiosity and solutions focused.
Notice your own responses and how that impacts on others.
Discover more from 3WH
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.