Assertiveness

You know when you meet an assertive person. They show up with confidence, ask for what they need and are respectful of others. They have presence.  It's a fine line, go to far one way and you show up as aggressive, too far the other and you appear hesitant or unsure. Getting it just right can be a little tricky.

Your assertiveness is closely linked to your idea of what is right, your values and ethics.  It means you are able to stand up for yourself, beliefs and express your feelings without dominating or overpowering others.

You feel comfortable when:

• Expressing your own opinion and feelings.
• Saying "no" without feeling guilty or worrying about what others will think of you.
• Setting your own boundaries and priorities i.e. making decisions for yourself.
• Asking for what you need and being clear about what you want.
• Taking ownership for your actions and the impact you have on others
• Being able to take risks and feeling competent.
  
  

Expressing your own opinions and feelings.

Listen to the way assertive people talk and the tone they use. They don't over apologise, hesitate or let their voice waiver. If their is something they want or need, they assertively ask for it, with respect.

Notice what words you use. If you need something from someone do you confidently ask or request. Assertiveness is both confidence and humility. You hear others say:

• "I need help"
• I want to...."
• "I am really excited by this"
• "I am confused, tell me more"
  
  

They do not apologise for their position unless they truly believe an apology is warranted and is genuine. They may say, "I am sorry that I interrupted you, please continue" but with the tone of being genuine and self-assured. 

Assertive people understand their values, beliefs, morals and ethics. They have high emotional intelligence and notice how they are feeling and why they feel it. 

Saying no when they mean no.

Having you ever caught yourself saying yes when you meant no? We all have at sometime. The ability to override the need to people please is an act of assertiveness and self respect. 

It doesn't mean being a blocker. It means honouring yourself. For example, if you are asked in a meeting to take on a new task or action, the assertive person might say, "I understand this action is important. I have a lot of competing priorities right now. I know I can't deliver what you need in the way that you want it without dropping something else."  or, "I know that this needs to be done but I simply can't do it right now. I can do it after I have completed xxx so if it is urgent can you ask someone else to take it."

You are not simply saying know, you are saying know with a justifiable and defendable reason. 

Setting boundaries

How do you speak up when something is not OK with you? I ask leaders to role model boundaries to empower others to do the same. Boundaries might feel hard for you if you want to be liked by everyone, but leadership requires you to step into the tough stuff from time to time and to take a stand for what is right. 

Let's put it into context around your company behaviours or values. If you see someone acting against the agreed behaviours, your job as a leader to hold others to account. You call out the behaviour in a kind and respectful manner, but call it out all the same. You assertively demonstrate that this is NOT OK with me.

Asking for what you need

It is empowering to ask for what you need. You might not always get what you want or need, but the ability to ask and own it is leadership. Your request should always be reasonable and realistic, but if you understand what you want and why you need it, the language and assertiveness will follow.

For example, let's say you need a member of another team to run some numbers for you. You could send them an email, apologetically asking them to do the task, if they have time, if it's no bother at all. Or you could demand them do it. Or your could assertively pick up the phone and say, "Hi, I need some numbers running by tomorrow. Is that something you can do for me?" You will find out how reasonable your request is when you ask the question assertively, clearly and without apology or aggressiveness.

Take ownership of your actions

Leaders who are self-assured and assertive hold themselves to the same standards by which they hold others. If they have overstepped boundaries or been unrealistic in their request, they own it. They willingly apologise and take accountability for themselves. 

Take risks

When you are willing to take a stand for something, you are willing to take a risk. Assertive leaders have a confidence in themselves and others, which enables them to stretch. They are bolder and more courageous in their decision making. How often do you feel risk adverse? What is the reason for that?