What is acceptable behaviour during conflict?
In some cultures, there is very little direct disagreement and debate during meetings, others are highly passionate and animated, while in others people tend to “get in one another’s faces.”
In some families, parents and siblings rarely engage in raw, emotional dialogue, while in others people argue passionately and then make up with equal passion. There is no right or wrong, but it does influence how you react in conflict situations. You will have multiple responses in any team.
Which approach is better on a team? Neither is better or worse if everyone on the team understands and agrees with the rules of engagement. What really matters is whether people holding back from expressing their opinions. Members of great teams do not.
Before I facilitate a healthy conflict meeting with a team, we agree the rules of engagement. This primes members for conflict norming. Now some teams love to get passionate, animated and raise voices and interrupting each other and that works for them. Others would cringe and run out of the room with these behaviours. They prefer rationale, calm and formal discussions. The approach works for the team and the best decisions and outcomes are achieved.
Now remotely it can take a little extra work as it is difficult to manage interruptions on video calls. So this needs to be facilitated and managed well, but it is still possible. You simply agree on the rules of engagement for remote, hybrid and in the room discussions.
Setting up the rules of engagement
The leader gathers the team and sets the outcome of the session. They explain that they want to introduce more healthy conflict into the team, and this might require members to step outside their comfort zone and stretch a little. For others, they might need to develop more self-management and dial up their active listening skills.
Each member identifies what is acceptable for them and what they can't be with. Then members share their preferences and begin to understand each others conflict boundaries. In the process members learn how their own conflict responses help or harm the team dynamics. The leader keeps reminding members that healthy conflict is essential for team cohesion.
Ask your team to reflect on the following behaviours, adding more if they want to, and create a team discussion around conflict rules of engagement.
Team Activity
With your team consider whether you think certain behaviours or actions are acceptable while engaging in conflict at work.
Rate your response to conflict:
(1 = unacceptable, 2 = tolerable, 3 = perfectly acceptable)
- Raising your voice when you get passionate
- Going beyond the meeting end time to resolve an issue
- Using strong language when you are upset
- Avoiding someone when you’re angry
- Excluding other team members from difficult conversations
- Being outwardly emotional
- Expressing anger through indirect actions rather than voicing it directly
- How many members of the team display these behaviours?
Reflection
Which of the behaviours did the team find most unacceptable?
Why is this?
What can you do to make sure these behaviours are not displayed in the workplace?
Which behaviour has the widest range of responses?
Have a discussion within the team on how people feel about this behaviour.
Create a "Rules of engagement", gain commitment and hold everyone accountable for what they have agreed upon.
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